Monday, May 7, 2007

One Breath Haiku and Tanka - Sleep

Well, the first one wasn't tooooooooo bad for a first attempt, so I thought I would chance a second attempt. This week's One Deep Breath prompt is - Sleep.

Haiku
restless in caves.
green slivers pierce snow.
bears stir.

© Strauss
7th May 2007

I thought I would have a go at the Tanka too. I have never tried one of these. I am happy to be learning these new styles.
Tanka
Smiles of relief
Mother collapses in chair
Dishes in sink
Steam swirls from a coffee mug
Children finally asleep.

© Strauss
7th May 2007

15 comments:

Ackworth Born said...

hi strauss

great thoughts and images so please don't these remarks the wrong way -- the haiku for me is far too long and takes too many breaths -- it is nearer to being a tanka -- pare it down to something like

restless in caves
green shoots through white blankets
bears stir

perhaps not quite right either, but try and avoid using broad abstract concepts like "Life" in your haiku and choose something concrete.

the tanka is really nearly there; I'd suggest avoiding the cliche of "her day is done" -- it is a comment and you've already shown us so don't need to tell us
maybe you could end with
children finally asleep
which would convey the feeling without overstating it

good luck with your future ventures -- you've taken the first steps so don't stop

Colorful Prose said...

I can totally relate to the second one.

strauss said...

Oh Gosh, I got a real critique. I am SO excited. Thank you so much Ackworth. I will certainly take your comments into consideration. Thank you for helping me understand more about these styles. I know nothing about styles, as you can tell from the rest of my poetry. ;)

Tammy said...

I loved the visuals of "slithers" and "swirls" very much. Well done!

blondie said...

For a newbie, I thought you did a good job. Such truth in the tanka.

:)

Crafty Green Poet said...

Your haiku now is wonderful! I love it! I enjoyed your tanka too but I always prefer haiku.

jem said...

Great - I smiled at the first one, thinking of big creatures thinking about waking up!

Ackworth Born said...

o yes you have learnt well, these are a HUGE improvement on the first drafts -- now just drop the caps.

Regina Clare Jane said...

Hi Strauss! I may not be so much into form as I love the content of what's being said... and your tanka really does it for me as it evokes such real emotion... and I like that.
Great job!

Jone said...

Both are wonderful. Love the images of bears stirring. Can realte to the second one very well.

Patois said...

I smiled at both the haiku and tanka. Loved where the prompt -- and your mind -- took you with the haiku.

Unfolding Rose said...

awakening from hibernation - I feel like that! And I particularly liked 'steam swirls from a coffee mug' in your tanka.

kintheatl said...

Great job. I love these.

Mandy said...

nice pair strauss

thanks for stopping by mine

I'll your blog to my links

love from mandy
Mandy's Meanderings

blondie said...

I just wanted to add a little "thanks" for visiting my blog and commenting on my tanka.

:) blondie